Apparently, I (and most of the people I associate with) need to be locked up.
*Stolen from Lau*
This is a newsletter that St. Mary's church in Colorado Springs sent out this week.
(Comments in red are from me!)
If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!
Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord.
Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure ('obscure' is defined as 'not readily noticed or seen'... I'm pretty sure that people who really are goths are usually fairly noticiable...)
and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in.
The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:
-Frequently wears black clothing.
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.
(Does black eyeliner every day count? Shit.)
-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols.
-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
(EVERYONE listens to "anti-social" music sometimes. Give me a break. (#Ooo, I need immediate attention to rid myself of Satan's temptations, because that's definately #5...))
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
(Um... it's called being invovled in theatre.)
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
(I guess theatre isn't "wholesome".... because of all those "eccentric" people, of course. #7!)
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
(Well, I am 21... #8)
-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
(In today's world, really... who isn't? #9)
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
-Complains of boredom.
(I repeat, in today's world, really... who isn't? #10)
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
(I'm a COLLEGE STUDENT! #11)
-Is excessively awake during the night.
(I repeat, I'm a COLLEGE STUDENT! #12)
-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)
(No, this pertains to not wanting to get burned if you have delicate skin, or sensitive eyes or just plain don't like heat!)
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
(I like my personal bubble, damnit. Oops, that's #14.)
-Spends large amounts of time alone.
(See above. #15)
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through
(Yes, yes, of course... *rubs hands together maniacally* Eeeeeviiiil spiiiiriiiits! ...Or books, which I suppose are probably evil too.)
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
(Since when do most kids over the age of about 12 really need a whole lot of supervision? #17)
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.
(Again, what child doesn't go through a stage of rebellion where, of course, they know more than all the adults around them?)
-Misbehaves at school.
(This is called being a teenager.)
-Misbehaves at home.
(This is called being a teenager.)
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
(Excuse me while I laugh my ass off for a moment. Okay, better now. The ludicrous-ness of this statement baffles me. First of all, I assume they mean Count Chocula. Secondly, please explain how chocolate-flavored Rice Crispies and pieces of marshmallows can corrupt anyone!)
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)
(CABLE IS SATAN! Hellooooo! If you are worried about what your child is watching, then maybe you should spend time with your child and talk about it. What? Communicating with your children? What a concept!)
-Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing nature.
(Ah, shit... now I'm really going to hell. God forbid you ever encounter violence or use your imagination once in awhile. #23)
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
(Um... who in this day and age doesn't? We're ALL going to hell! Huzzah!)
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
(First of all, how the heck do these two go together? Unless the 'rock hand' symbol is Satanic, which it shouldn't be, because in "olden days," it was the symbol to protect against the evil eye. Secondly, while headbanging is certainly damaging to your brain cells, I sincerely doubt the amount of damage it will do to your soul.)
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
(...I'm not even going to comment on this. Wait, yes I am. GIVE ME A BREAK!)
-Expresses an interest in sex.
(Well, unless you wanted to cause humankind to go extinct... I think whoever wrote this should become extinct. Harrumph.)
(It happens. It should happen in private, hands should be washed afterwards, and no one else really needs to know. It's like picking your nose. LoL)
-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
(Not that no one who is goth is gay or bi, but MOST gays or bisexuals are probably not goth. Let's stick to one stereotype here. Deal with how homosexuals are evil in your next newsletter, please?)
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
(Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism are not cults. They may not be western, Christian religions, but they are not cults. They have been around as long, if not longer than Christianity. I thought you said something above about respecting your elders?)
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
(This is ridiculous. Who, seriously, between the ages of 12 and 18 doesn't own at least one pin or bumper sticker from Hot Topic or a similar store? I'm pretty sure I have everything from "Not all who wander are lost." to "Mary is my homegirl." Give me a break.)
-Claims to be a goth.
(This is not a sign that your child is going to hell. This is a sign that your child is a poseur.)
If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.
--St. Mary's Catholic Church
*dances (alone, in a provocative or sexual manner, while shaking her head to the music in her head) off to the mental health center, carrying a box of Count Chocula cereal to corrupt little children with along the way* SATAN THRIVES WITHIN ME... or something. Pfft.